Blind Ambition

I’m now nearly through my second full week as a first year teacher at Orange Preparatory Academy, and to say that these first weeks have been a rollercoaster would be one of the biggest understatements I’ve ever said.

            Some days, I walk out of the building with the biggest smile on my face. On those days, I feel like I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to do. I’m making a difference in these kids’ lives, and they’re learning in my room. Other days, the pure exhaustion wears me down to the point where all that keeps me going is blind ambition and a very hazy picture of the success that my kids could achieve by the end of the year if I could only be a more organized, productive teacher.

            My students are fantastic. Some of them are high level, some low. Some of them work exceptionally hard every day to meet my expectations and the expectations that they have for themselves. Others will sit there doing nothing unless I’m literally breathing down their necks and threatening to call home. I honestly believe that each and every one of them is capable of great things; I know that I can help them to grow this year. What drives me up a wall and stands in my way is the way many of these students look at their education. They see it as something they are forced to receive. They see it as something that stands in the way of what really matters (socializing and playing). To put it bluntly, laziness seems to be my biggest obstacle so far.

            Well, my biggest obstacle with my students that is. But I have bigger fish to fry – namely the same weaknesses that I’ve had since high school. Organization and time management have never been my strong suit. Mind you, I always got things done on time, but I never got them done in a timely manner. If it weren’t for the last minute, I never would have turned anything in on time. And if I had a penny for every time that I lost something (personal property, homework, notes, you name it really) I would be a rich woman. These are the real issues that I know will bury me alive if I don’t get them under control fast. Luckily, the faculty here are phenomenal and they seem to always have a suggestion for how I can cut down on the amount of work that I need to collect or how I can lighten that stack of papers that I haphazardly throw into my laptop bag at the end of the day. Although only one person has been assigned to be my mentor, I fully intend on making everyone who is willing to give me a suggestion my mentor as well.

            I have so much to learn about being a teacher, and my colleagues teach me something new every day. For instance, I never thought that I would say that teaching and interacting with students is the easy part. When it comes to actually facilitating lessons an forging relationships with kids, that really isn’t what’s causing my hair to turn gray; rather, it’s the unexpected extras that I never really thought about that give me heart palpitations. It’s the three unexpected assemblies that interrupted my fourth block class last week. It’s the professional development and staff meetings that take longer than I expect. It’s calling parents and planning lessons. It’s answering emails and collaborating. The list really goes on and on. I feel like no matter how much I plan, a certain amount of my day every day is out of my control. It’s something that I know I will need to come to terms with, but it’s part of what makes this learning process difficult right now.

            I’m lucky enough to have gotten 7-8 hours of sleep the last two nights. Most days I feel like I run on caffeine and adrenaline.  But today I feel really solid. I’ve really been trying to get to sleep at a reasonable hour and to allow myself some down time every day. I’m really afraid of burning out, getting sick, getting fat, and working every day for the weekend. I know I need to give myself at least some time every day to be Heather, and not Miss Staats. I also need to figure out how I make those breaks productive so that I can actually get some work done after them.

            So it’s been hard. But at the end of most days, I’m really happy. This is what I’m meant to do. If I can keep the positive days more abundant than the negative ones, I think I’ll be okay. And, more importantly, I think I can really teach these students a thing or two.